For Your Eyes Only

Disclaimer – This is just for fun, taking a satirical poke at the practices here. None of the points are to be taken seriously or implemented. It is just to show the level of irresponsibility and lack of duty here (as in both the building and India). We Indians are used to taking things for granted and settling for sub-standard quality in everything that we never question it or hope for something better, neither do we try to correct our ways. This is just one means of pointing that out.

This post briefly describes ways to smuggle a piece of bomb into my office building. However, keeping in mind the “security and other reasons”, I refrain from mentioning the name of the company/building I work in. All you people in office who are reading this, hushhhhh.. ;)

So, it’s like this. Every morning, no scratch that, every time I enter my office building in my vehicle, doesn’t matter what time it is, my vehicle is checked by the security guard at the entrance with a detector.

There was this time when Ramya and I wanted to go out. We exited the building from the rear only to discover that it was super cloudy outside. We ditched our plan and decided to get back to office. There are really ‘strict’ rules here about the entries and exits. So we had to go all the way around the building and enter through the front exit. And guess what? The security guard stopped us for checking the boot compartment. Yeah, yeah, he is just doing his duty, and I would welcome that wholeheartedly. But how?

Once out of pure frustration at being asked to get off and open the seat for their scrutiny, I told them they already checked it in them morning so why do it again. His reply was a typical Indian one – “Because if I don’t sir will get angry”, indicating his superior.

This is how their routine check goes – for bikes, they don’t stop them for checking unless the person is carrying a bag. Even if they do the sensor flies for a second about half a foot away from the bag. For other two-wheelers, they check underneath the seat. By checking I mean just randomly run the detector whilst admiring the view outside or look at something interesting near the gate. For cars, well this is the interesting part, they run the detector inside the rear (randomly, as above) and hold the mirror underneath the car for a few seconds whether they look into it or not.

What an absolute waste of time! I mean, why do it if it is going to be of no use? It’s not like they understand the significance of their responsibility or the importance of their duty. Directly or indirectly, the safety of the thousands that occupy the building lie on their shoulders and the reason they do it is because “their sir will get angry”?!

Anyway, let me not digress. Back to what this post is actually about.

There are many easy, innovative and creative ways to smuggle a bomb into our building. I am just jotting down those that I can think of. You are welcome to suggest more. ;)

1. Simple and straight (a) – Hide it beneath the raincoat and other stuff inside your seat and pray that their sensor is a fake (which it should be mostly, going by its looks).

2. Simple and straight (b) – This one should be easy for guys. They don’t check you unless you have a bag. So you can just hide it inside your shirt or pant or both!

3. Simple and straight (c) – This one is for all you people who come in cars. You can hide it under you car seat, inside the glove compartment, along with your water bottles… need I say more. You have the maximum options! :P

4. If you want to enjoy some fun, you can make it more creative. You and your friend can plan it together. One of you can plant a decoy, so that the other can walk in happily with the bomb in their bag while all attention is on your friend. For the decoy – you can keep a jack-in-the-box that will bounce out once the rear of your car or the seat of the bike is opened and hit the guard on his face. Pow! That should surely scare him out his wits and alert him to look for more!

5. Just when your vehicle reaches the gate, you can bring it to a grunting stop and pretend to kick it with all your might to make it start. Pretend to struggle for a few more minutes, heave a huge and audible sigh, and start walking inside, pushing the bike along. Have the puss-in-boots-sad look on your face and the security guy will open the gate for you (No kidding, cross my heart. Happened to me once (no pretension). Sad part is, none of the guys had the decency or courtesy to come and help me with it. I had to call Ramya all the way down to help me. One of them actually had the gall to ask ‘Enna panreenga madam’ as if I was there to admire the view).

6. Tell them you forgot your id card and look really lost and tensed. They will either ask you to park your vehicle in the visitors’ park, in which case they won’t check, or they will let you in with some reproaches and directions, in which case they might not check.

7. Pretend that you got a call from your manager just as you are entering and talk very busily, loudly and in a hurried manner over the phone, as if you are running really late for an important meeting and if you lose the client it will be the security guard’s fault.

8. Tell them you have just come to visit the food court. They will let you straight in without checking your vehicle or bag. Only you have to park in the visitors’ parking lot. But, what the hell. Kuch paane ke liye kuch khona padtha hai. :D

This is all I can think of for now. Happy smuggling! :P

Duh!

1. Honking loudly or trying to overtake a vehicle standing at a signal or in the traffic is not going to miraculously create a path for you. There is a reason why the people in the front are standing. Much as you may like to think that way, they are not fools and neither is it their hobby to stand in the middle of a vehicle-infested-polluted-road under the mid-morning sun.
2. When you need to go up, press the upward arrow on the lift and vice versa. Pressing it in both directions is only going to make its arrival slower. Also, hitting the button constantly is not going to increase its speed. It will still arrive only when it does.
3. When I am walking right behind you at almost your pace, I am NOT admiring your beautiful behind. I just need to go to the restroom (really soon) and your obstructive jaywalk is not helping my situation. So do not give me that weird look every time you turn behind.
4. This is for all the aunties I have known in my life – yes, I am ‘so and so’s’ daughter and yes I have grown up so much so fast. The next time you see me at a wedding, please do not exclaim ‘Bhavani ponna idhu?! Ennamaa valandhutaa!’ (Is this Bhavani’s daughter? God how she has grown!), although you might have seen me just a few months ago at another wedding. I would really like to see any one of your sons or daughters who hasn’t grown five feet tall in twenty years.
5. When I am entering through the office doors with my bags, yes I have just come to office. Please do not waste your energy by saying ‘Oh you’re just coming to office!’ Instead, you can utilize your energy well by, say, commenting on how good I look that day. ;)
6. It is raining outside. I am entering home wet. Of course I got drenched in the rain. I did not suddenly decide to take a shower with my clothes on, on the way. Asking ‘Mazhaila nananjiya?!’ (Got wet in the rain?!), is not exactly the wisest thing to do when I am already fuming at my luck that it starts raining exactly halfway down my drive home.
7. Me to my mom – Can you tell me the directions to this Kalyana madapam? Please give me some landmarks ‘cos I don’t know the road names for most places.
My mom – Okay. Do you know Chamiers road?
8. When I applied for work as a school teacher, the principal over the phone (in impeccable English) – You will be handling the second and third grade math and English. Please be prepared for a demo class when you come here for the interview.
When I went there, after looking through my resume – Hmm… so a software engineer wants to become a teacher. Would you be interested in ninth and tenth physics or chemistry?
Me – But I was told I would be handling second and third math and English. Besides, since I do not have teaching experience I would prefer to start with the smaller grades.
At the demo – You will be teaching fourth grade math. Good luck!
A week later over phone – There is a crash Montessori course. It would be very helpful to teach kindergarten. Would you like to take it up?
My mind inside, as I answer her calmly that it’s okay, I am not interested - Make up your mind people! If our educators are going to be like this I can’t imagine the plight of our poor children!